🎂Cheers and tears to turning 21 and officially adulting now.

If you’re reading this, then I’ve already turned 21. Incredible, I know.

In a way, I still feel 10 and 15. 18 doesn’t feel too far away either, you know? A lot has changed, and a lot hasn’t. It’s a new milestone in my life, yet it feels like any other day.

My birthday stopped feeling special to me years ago. I’d have expectations and be let down in one way or another. So I toned down my expectations and excitement until I had nothing left and just accepted what came my way. Now I’m questioning if I’ll ever feel excitement over something like that.

I was never one of those kids to be excited about growing up. I always thought everyone older than me wasn’t as happy and carefree as I was, and I didn’t look forward to that. Granted, the youngest older people in my circle were in their 20s and stressed about life as I am now, so I can’t blame them. I also knew that once I grew up, my responsibilities would increase exponentially, and my parents wouldn’t support me anymore (why would they when they would be the ones enforcing those responsibilities?)

This year has been challenging, to say the least. I’ve lived through so many different life phases. I’m not sure what to expect anymore. I was a student, and then I graduated. I was an intern, and now I’m preparing to start a full-time job. I’ve always been a homebody, but I spent more time outside my home this year. I had never left the country before, yet I spent over two months on another continent.

I mean, I’m grateful that things are running smoothly, but it does a number on your identity, you know? The bubble has burst, and now I’m trying to piece together everything that makes me me for a sense of normalcy and control. It’s scary, but that’s what growth is about, I guess.

Life has been happening a lot this year. It’s a nagging fear that’s been disturbing me a lot. That life will be happening, passing me by, and I wouldn’t be able to do anything. Now that I don’t have a structured institution to keep me going, how would I live my life? Would I be able to set goals and work towards them? Would I be able to focus on process and not perfection? Would I be able to recognise the right opportunities to seize? Would I go through life purposefully or go through the motions? Will I live the life I want to live or the one that gets me by in society?

I don’t want to live by a standard everyone wants me to live by, that’s for sure. I’ve always had an idea of the kind of person I want to be/the kind of life I want to live. But now that I’m officially adulting, I wonder if I’ll be able to live out my purpose against all odds. There are so many factors that prevent most people from doing what they want and love, and they can be so subtle that they only realise it on their deathbed. I want to live the rest of my life without inhibitions; after all, I have the King of Kings on my side, so it’s not unattainable.

I guess these are some of my worries regarding growing older. They’ve always been there; they’re just much amplified now to the point where I can’t ignore them. Worrying won’t add an extra hour to my life, though. Otherwise, I’d be prepping for a life like Methuselah’s, if not much older. So here’s to being intentional about growing wiser and happier, letting my voice and story be heard and being proactive about everything rather than reactive. As it’s always easier said than done, I expect it to be a bumpy journey with a few tears here and there🙂.

I’ve never been one to be afraid of a little rain. I will survive; more than that, I will thrive. That’s a promise I intend to keep to myself.