Chapter 23: On the mountain, in the valley…

I’m 23 today. I’m not going to lie; I’ve been dreading this day a little since I turned 22. It’s also why I’ve been in hiding for so long. It just feels like an odd age, and I’m not fond of odd numbers.

Let me break it down further. My favourite years have been even numbers or generally accepted as iconic.

• Age 5 is an odd year but is generally recognised as iconic.
• 10 is you finally entering into the double digits of your life.
• 13 is an odd number, but it marks your first steps into your teenage years
• 18 is an even number, but you’re finally legally an adult, mentally still wherever you want to be. Still, at least the state thinks you’re old enough to take on adult responsibilities like voting and driving.
• 19 is before 20, which is iconic because, yess, you’re finally entering your roaring twenties
• 21 is iconic because, yes. It’s 21
• And I don’t know about you, but I’ve always felt 22 needs to be celebrated massively.
• 23 is just so odd sitting in between 22 and 24.***

I’ve been trying my best for the past few months to make it worth looking forward to. It’s time for a not-so-quick confession. I’ve not been the one to look forward to adulthood for several reasons. First of all, I just knew that I would lose the bubble that kept me safe and sound from the world’s harsh realities. I wasn’t naive to the fact that being constantly in school and under the care of my parents was what kept my youthful glee.

I was terrified of being alone in the world and losing my spark because I would be drowning in responsibilities. I didn’t know that I would be living over a thousand miles away from home, but I probably always knew that to soar, I would need to go far away from the nest.

My head was always in the clouds, but I was never thinking of my dreams. They were too big to be contained, and I was scared of the disappointment of never achieving them. So I was just there, watching the many dreams scattered around me. If I happened to bump into a memory of one, it would be a pleasant surprise, but I would let it go because the reality of where I needed to start chasing it was too far-fetched in my mind, and I was comfortable in my bubble.

I didn’t particularly appreciate facing my unrealised dreams until I encountered death and loss. That’s when it hit me how fragile life is and how it would be a disservice to the people around me and the world not to attempt to chase my dreams and tell my story. After all, one of the people who believed I could do the impossible was no longer around to see me achieve my dreams, so what was the point in waiting around and sitting on my potential? There has never been any right time to start chasing my dreams; I’ve discovered that the right time comes after I start making a conscious effort.

The saying that luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity? Yeah, my life is a testament to that. I’m grateful for the mindset shift that I’ve had. Did I need to go through everything that I’ve gone through before coming to this realisation? Probably not; I could’ve saved myself the tears and wasted years, but now that I’m here, I hope this lesson never escapes me, and I continue to walk this way.

I’ve learned to embrace not just growing up but adulthood in its entirety. Unsurprisingly, it’s the year I feel like I’ve lived so many lives in one year. I’ve experienced joy, grief, loss, gain, love, hate, faith, doubt, clarity, uncertainty, and so much more. The funny thing is that it will never end, and I’ve accepted that that’s okay. I mean, honestly, I don’t have much of a choice but to accept that that’s just how life goes.

It’s all good, though; I’m grateful I’m still alive and have hope. It’s the thankfulness that’s giving me the joy and strength to carry on. I’m pleased today. I’ve been showered with a lot of love and have taken the time to treat myself well.

Outro

I’ve been writing this post for a month now lol. I tend to do this before the actual day because I get overwhelmed and tired on the days leading up to and the day of my birthday, especially in the more recent years.

So I started with the general concept precisely a month ago, then changed my mind a week later, ha.

Like clockwork, I got so stressed with work and life that I kept forgetting to update this and schedule it so I could be stress-free today, but here we are.

I’ve got to remind myself that all of these things are part of life, part of growing, and one day, I’ll look back and laugh because it would be the least of my worries in the future.

***note on 23, Tapoli reminded me that 23 is iconic because of the basketball legends Kobe and MJ. It slipped my mind because I just wanted to stay salty about the whole thing. So, if I offend any people like Tapoli, I apologise, don’t attack me like he did I beg.

PS: If you got the song the title refers to, Come for Cake. K bye, love you!